she'll pretend no one's watching

entry 75

Fri, 05 May 2006 15:01:11 GMT

my mailbox has been filled with the "you look disguisting" and "you're really scarying me". my inbox filled with "stay strong chelsea" and "just know i love you". cards that read "don't let ANYONE - ANYTHING get in your way" and "its yours for the taking. i always believe in you".

lately, i've been highly volatile. in the back of cafes crying with the taste of coffee in my mouth. saying, "it's been such a hard, long long battle and i'm exhausted. oh i'm just so exhausted from the pain." on the road clutching at the wheel and heaving for air. air that isn't filled with debris and toxins from my past, present, and future.

no one gets to hear about my reality. more often then not, i find myself believing that this is a struggle that one day i will cut the string to.

i'm trying to decide whether i should take off to new york on wednesday and then the hamptons for the weekend. it's all because i'm scared of him and the only reason i wouldn't go is because i want all the time i can have with stephen because with him i'm invigorated and believe in the moments where we plan out our futures (and i know, i want to have a future) and remember why the good cards read, "you have the world in your hands."

entry 74

Thu, 04 May 2006 07:14:50 GMT

it's frusterating and exhausting when the only problem is what other people are making their own problem or a problem for you.

if people bring up this weight issue once more, i may spit in their face or throw up in my mouth.
i'm not trying to scare anyone and i just want others to respect that for the first time in six years i can breathe and actually live life.
but not many people are willing to respect that, believe that, or see that.

and as much as i'd like to think otherwise,
it's clearer and clearer in his expression..
that my dad is one of them.

and it makes me empty and put off.
some people won't understand me.
they never did when i was a child and i'm not willing to change now.
i tried before, but not anymore.
i'm through with it. through with the expectations.
who my arm should be tied around because the "look" would complete some fucking image.
now that i'm happy - entirely - with myself, i don't need what i thought everyone else expected me to have.

i can't be these other ideals of chelsea trescott.
not my fathers
not a boyfriends
not a best friends
not a neighbors

i mean it was trivial in progression,
but not in context.
"you remember when we use to eat hot dogs after hot dogs, chelsea?"
"do you still do that. do you still like them."

um. what? yeah, in middle school.

:disgust: "what the hell are you talking about. your lying. just because your friend is right there."
"what are you going to say next. you don't remember the milkshakes. those were middleschool, too."

um, no. if by milkshake you mean the banana slimfast shakes we made, of course i remember them. and no they weren't middle school too. but the hot dogs were.

= ENEMY #3749734

but i just can't get over the tone of voice
the drifting eyes
WHY DOES EVERYONE WANT SOMEONE TO BE THEIR SOMETHING

entry 73

Tue, 02 May 2006 03:26:35 GMT

for certain people in my life. like my mom calling at the perfect time, just now. talking to her snaps me out of this all. the last 6 months have warped my mind to such an extreme that i question whether i will ever be normal again. ever be happy. ever know what happiness is and means and where to find it. moments before talking to her, i began questioning it all over again. my existence. my need to be here. to contribute anything. i convinced myself again that i had nothing to contribute and that who would want to experience another year.. another moment.. of pain. why run that risk? why not end it all and end that chance.

it's all crazy. i cried for three hours over lunch with my sister explaining this. explaining how fearful i have become of the reality that i could even come up with such thoughts. but then the phone rings or an IM goes off with a person that embodies all i believe in in life and i know, there's reason and that every part of the ups & downs is what forms my every layer.

aye, i don't know. i was explaining it earlier to my new...crush. that it is all so easy, really. and then at the same time, it is so easy to make it difficult in your head. you trick yourself. you trick the whole world around you. so you think that you don't know what you're looking for anymore. not career wise, but even in the day to day. what is substantial enough for you? what won't give you momentary happiness? my head is always in the clouds. it's a blessing, as much as it may be a weapon. but this year, it's made me think that maybe my head being in the clouds & wanting to suck the most out of life has made me want too much and all too serious. i don't know how to be that girl on the beach, flipping her hair in the breeze, singing to the sand, and planning a night of beer pong. i don't know how to live without a care and yet, i've never wanted to know how.. but the alternative, can be so tough to live and can be so lonely, as well. after 18 years of living a certain way, it gets mixed up in your blood, and there's no redefining you - it's just "this is how you are."

hahah, i don't know. the next few months hold a lot. and i'm sure anyone who reads this will be able to hear about a good part of it. i wish myself luck. tomorrow is overwhelming. i've thought that landing home would be the answer to all my questions and now i know, it isn't that easy because happiness should never be a balance beam.

entry 72

Fri, 28 Apr 2006 05:22:56 GMT

i'll speak of all my adventures in new york later, but just know today i beamed. i remembered what it was to be me, in love with me, & the world around me. i felt impowered and on top of everything. not in a condescending way, but in i-feel-positively-about-myself-way. i felt inspired and eager to do all my endeavors.

with that said, i came back to the room. changed into some shorts and my sister just stared. she stared and my heart shattered. i swear it, i felt everything that had happened to me that day - everything that i had remembered - disinegrate around me. she told me how scared she was, how terrified she was looking at me, and i wanted to cry. i wanted someone so desperately to come hold me in bed, hold me tightly so that i knew i was secure, but soft enough so i knew i was at ease. and i wanted the person to let me cry and tell me i could sleep and not wake. for the first time in my life, i'm not worried about weight and now everyone is - and the eyes, the stares, the whispers, the concerns, the conversations that go about me behind my back hurt be so badly and i can't do anything about it but tell them.. i'm fine for once in my life, i swear not another pound will go, just please believe in me. believe.

i never in my life thought that other people's concern could end up effecting me so terribly, but it has. i fly home tuesday and i thought that a pair of the tightest jeans would be the answer to all my concerns. i thought if something looked tight than i wouldn't look thinner, but now i've been told that i'm fiercly wrong. and so, i'm just hoping that they will trust me when i say, i'm happy for once and it will be impossible for another pound to go because now i'm in the company of people, of drinks and of eyes. not another pound will go. i'm not trying, i'm really not.

but i just want to hide.

entry 71

Sun, 23 Apr 2006 01:36:30 GMT

i'm so busy looking at pictures of other people's friendships
that i've wasted too much time to make my own.

my time in boston has either been a bubble wrap of falsity or truth.
that i'm still trying to decipher.
for far worse than better, it has managed to convince me that i will never know what it is like to have a group of friends
and by friends, i mean a best friend, a girl best friend that you can giggle, laugh, & share secrets with.

somehow i've managed to leave my mark.
just like everywhere i go, but this time around i'm seeing how it can make you feel like nothing.
i just get eyes that follow & comments from all the randoms about how i'll be a celebrity.
but you don't know me. & how can my dress code be all that great? when all i wear is black.
somehow i give off something. but i just question everyone's intelligence
because i'm pretty sure all i give off is sadness & excitement to leave this time behind.

the other night my phone went off at 4:39am
"your love is a long long haul!"
from: christian

i couldn't help him. i couldn't even care.
i would have chucked my phone against the wall had i not been so cold & indifferent.
4:39am! when will he learn? booze & tears leads you to desperation, i suppose.

lately i've been daydreaming..
of rooftops & stair ladders.
champagne & bubble baths.
polaroids & giraffes at a park in the grove.
raw fish & tomatoes.
being tucked in & music as conversation.

everyday i dream of happiness
everyday i dream of friends

i can't wait to actually begin & end this paper on
how individuals rely on fashion to express and explore their inner characters and personalities that may not be otherwise noticed because of social constraints
(yeah i came up with that question)
and then i'm tucking myself in bed & flipping through magazines
cutting out inspiration & reading article by article on artists & muses.

i get offers every night on my phone to do something
it sounds lovely at first, by when the times crawls around
i get so emeressed in looking through articles, surfing the web looking for the muse of past & future history
that i have no desire to put on all my coats to leave & look like i'm enjoying myself when everyone's getting drunk & i'm just sippin'
i should have gotten netflicks like i had planned
there are so many movies i need to see..

entry 70

Fri, 21 Apr 2006 03:30:20 GMT

come out to a few of the closest people about this "huge concern" in respect to my sudden extreme weight loss. stares immediately began & startled voices sounded in my ears. i knew i wouldn't really be able to play it off. if no one thought i had a problem before, there was no way they wouldn't think there was a problem now. so ultimately, how would i go out for meals and not have anyone believing i was doing drugs or throwing up? the last night i was home, after a few drinks in me, i finally said it. for the first time -- to anyone. for the last five years i've had a terrible problem. i never thought i had an eating disorder, but i openly said i had an image perception disorder which i believed to be far worse than aneroxia or bulimia. i wouldn't allow myself to sink to such levels of that. i thought they were weak - awfully & truthfully weak displays of an individual. it's all been a battle, but i know that if it wasn't for the last dreadful years, i wouldn't be who i am. i would be a free spirit without a care in the world; perhaps with no dept. when i gained all the weight 5 years ago, i felt out of control. and for five years i have been fixated on who i was then. the absolute center of attention. a complete free spirit. never aware of the perceptions others had on me. i was strong, i was confident, i was everything i wanted to be -- there were no limits. i was climbing the latter in the modeling industry & yet, i ate my heart out & i didn't understand why anyone could ever worry about their image. i remember it so well. and then, then it was all taken from me. the life was sucked out of me & for the first time in my life, i felt out of control. i realized that some how your image does define you somehow, some way in the eyes of others. i began hearing the betrayal in (even) friends voices about my new look. my chubby cheaks, the way my stomach rolled. it pained me. i had to leave the agency & leave a dream behind. soon enough, i decided i had to cut out junk food. start off small & results were made.. but nothing really. one day, i stumbled upon pills. i saw someone else taking them & saw what a difference they made & that how when she gave them up, she went back to her old way. i began smuggling the pills & they worked. every time i ate, i didn't feel that bad.. because i was taking these miracle pills. i took them religiously & at times not so much because of how expensive they were, the guilt, & my own natural worry for my health. so for five years, i was off & on with them. i hid them & if i was ever confronted (which some how managed to only be twice) i would find them in the trash bin & take as many as i could before anyone saw me. but after five years, my body wasn't responding to them. i was terribly depressed about it. i thought about my weight every other minute, i swear you, every other minute. i wanted to shatter the glass that let me see myself. i knew i was capable of all my dreams, mentally, but physically i couldn't believe in myself & so i let dreams decay with time. but the pills gave me hope. when i came to boston my happiness was so momentary. i felt the most out of control of myself than ever. i couldn't control my environment & i felt like if i wasn't growing intellectually & insightfully, then i mine as well work from the outside in. and so i began experimenting by taking three different pills at the same time. everyone always made comments about how healthy i ate.. condescending remarks & all i could think was, I AM EATING give me that credit because if i wasn't i'd look the way i wanted & then i'd feel the way i did & then i could be who i had been planned to be. i fell asleep starving, i'd work out everyday, i'd have to drink myself to sleep to not think about the hunger all the pills were causing me, & i'd wake up & race out to breakfast - take down bowls & bowls of oatmeal. it was a cycle of thought, addiction, and guilt. spring break it hit me that i had to stop this addiction. i couldn't go on living like this. i'd kill my heart & there was no results as much as i'd like to hope for. i don't know how i've done it, but somehow five years later (almost 6) i woke up & didn't allow myself to reach for a bottle. i knew what i was risking.. what every pill popper worries; that without the pills i'd gain pound after pound & just swell up. well, somehow it has been just the opposite. people think i'm disengrating right in front of their eyes & yes, maybe it has been a bit shocking, i don't know. it's hard to explain it, but after years of pills - my body going up & down - my metabolism racing & telling me how badly i needed food - well now my appetite is very, very small. the smallest meal satisifies all my senses. fruits... vegetables... spices. i just love it, but with that comes questioning. i wish people wouldn't worry though. i'm finally off pills & now i'm just taking the consequences of them. but i've never been happier. it is almost like a spiritual clensing. i'm in control now, not a pill. and i feel like i may be able to do just what i had to leave off. having to come clean about these things is no fun. admitting that i was so weak behind everyone's back doesn' feel good, naturally. everyone feels dumb when i was clearly the child. but now everyone's watching me, forcing food down my throat when my body tells me i'm fine with what i have eaten. my mom wants me to get blood work done & everyone wants weight put back on. but i just want everyone to not worry. for the first time i'm happy, alive, and unreliant. i believe in myself. & at the same time, it needs to be understood that putting on the weight that i was unhappy with won't solve anything. why try & make me do pills again? as long as i am not depriving my body & am eating. as long as i feel good & as long as i am not depriving myself of life then i can breathe.. for the first time.

i want everyone to know the dangers you potentially face but relying so heavily on something & someone. my mouth bled terribly, i lost no weight, worked out like mad, & thought about weight every other minute. i urge you all to love yourself. i've always be envious. believe in who you are & never let yourself depend on anyone but the mind, if at all.

entry 69

Thu, 20 Apr 2006 13:43:57 GMT

I thank you for who you are , thank you for what you have taught me, thank you for being. I'm sorry if my actions bothered or dissapointed you....it was never my intention. Please, please, please.....here I go and realize that you are the only person that has made me feel insecure in a way. Therefor I know that u are unique. But you have a long road ahead of you just like me. Live it............just live it........., dont think...please... this is not a drunken letter....because if it is drunk it is only because of the current thaught of you.
I write you this and that is that...big hug...
Christian

- why did it not phase me at all when i read this. i was more indifferent than concerned. my eyes rolled, instead of my heart jumping. all i could think was.. you are being so dramatic, just let it be, i'll see you next time - and i rolled over & went back to sleep. yes, he is in the palm of my hand. yes, i have what i always wanted. but i think in truth, i have what i thought i needed. what i thought others expected. what you would find in a magazine, but not what worked for me on a day to day, minute after minute basis. and so instead of clutching my palm together & keeping him safe. i'm blowing him off, as if he is a petal resting in the inside of my palm. a blow into the wind for good luck..

entry 68

Thu, 06 Apr 2006 13:12:57 GMT

it is way too early in the morning, i'll tell you that. yesterday i felt really excellent. the morning began with rain & snow - not so excellent - especially when the school decides it is "spring" time thus time to turn the heater off. ha! that changed quickly come wednesday morning. anyway, instead of doing the typical & going back after classes to waste away hours in my cell of a dorm. i grabbed my music, took a long walk, & did some shopping. it's rather amazing how simple interaction is all i need to make me feel good. it is pretty obvious - be around the same people all day long & you're going to get down, uninspired, & unproductive. so plain & simple, being out & talking to random people really put me in a high mood.

i then had my netherlands meeting for my fall abroad program. i left really mesmirized & inspired. of course! this is europe we are talking about - where i've wanted to actually live for good. as i've said, i wanted at all costs to just get away from boston, get away from emerson functions because i equate them with boston. thus, i was willing & eager to do anything to not be affiliated with boston & ultimately not go to the netherlands. however, if i don't get into FIT - and even if i do, i still am going to find a way to get abroad at least for 3 months - i'm not going to start going mad & applying to all these schools i don't want to ultimately be at. living in europe & traveling all over, every weekend, is ideal for me. it's a dream. & it comes down to the fact that i just wish i had a friend to enjoy that with. but maybe i'll make friends once the program starts? one can only hope. & then during the summer i'll fill out my applications for spring transfer to higher schools: barnard, nyu, ucla.

i think my mom just hit the nail on the head. and it feels so good to hear someone share my same understanding & realize i'm not crazy. being alone = being reflective. you know i love insight, but it has become TOO much. far far far too much. where reflection merges with judgment, criticism, and being a cynic. i don't want to be that way, but my mind has gotten the best of me & it has just been so difficult to see myself turn into a stone. that's why breaking away, getting myself to new york.. reminds me that laughter, appreciation, and love is still apart of me. that no matter what i think or trick myself into believing, it still is very much apart of me. & that months of isolation can't kill that.

on another issue: going home next week. I CAN'T WAIT. but i am a bit concerned about the issue of my fluctuating weight. my friends flipped out last weekend i was in new york. and i have nothing to say back. it just comes down to the fact that my appetite can barely be there, at times. i could either be so bored that i'm overeating or under eating. when i'm really happy, i don't need food. i don't get hungry ever. and when i was in miami & new york & started having that happen.. it actually scared me. last time i was with my family, probably a month ago, i bought about 5 or 6 new pairs of pants. i didn't want to get them originially because they were too tight.. now, they are no longer "skinny jeans" - my sister thinks i look terrible in them & i do. i look like a homeless person. suddenly fitting into my sister's whose 5'3 jeans & realizing that a 25 is too baggy - well maybe it's the make - but it is just... i don't know... i don't know what to say. it still isn't satisfying, i'll tell you that. but i dn't want want my family to freak out when they see me. so this weekend is my search for tight jeans - so i can stop looking like a hobo. i just don't want to answer to questions. i don't have answers.

relationships. uh. he left me the saddest voice message. literally, as if he was in tears. & i just can't do it, man. it's border line feeling guilty & like a heartless bitch. but talking on the phone is just grueling to me. I DESPISE IT WITH EVERYONE. it's like a chore & i have a hard time doing it. i love face to face time, but interaction on the phone or the internet is bothersome. i miss intimacy. i really do. and not having it for so long - since everything has been sooo long distance since september i have grown to not "need" anything. i want things because i'm realizing that it is so important to have people, but having to be so independent has almost turned me off to things. i just wish a relationship could flourish without phone calls. I WANT INTERACTION.

entry 67

Sun, 02 Apr 2006 00:12:03 GMT

yesterday was the loveliest day since i've been in boston. it's what they call "spring." i bought fresh strawberries & sat out in the lawn of the commons reading lust for life. once the sun came out i remembered what it was to feel alive. though i didn't have anyone to share the day with i was still able to enjoy it. today as i walked to lunch to meet up with a bunch of the miami girls that had come into town i realized that i've put all my eggs into one basket, as the saying goes. it is officially the first of april & officially the month that i am to hear from FIT. i dream of next year and each dream includes new york. what happens if i get a letter of rejection. my heart well melt & i will loose all faith. i can't understand this year. i've never felt so incomplete in my life. my unhappiness is so deep within my skin that i have lost the location in which to begin operation of the problem. in other words, i can't even figure out what the problem is. it has been so long that i have had a friend since coming to boston that i've begun to BELIEVE that i don't know what a friend is, how to get a friend, or even what i want in another person. i've begun to believe that i will be lost no matter where i am or what i have or who i have. i have begun to believe that i will always feel alone. that i'm condescending, lost, out of tune, out of reach, and just not the right age.

i can't wait to see my mom.
and it is odd for me to think that conversations with grown ups are the best i've had in months.

entry 66

Thu, 30 Mar 2006 05:13:09 GMT

lately i work in slow-mo or just not at all.
i've been craving hallucinogenics,
but in my room wine is the closest i have to further my mind.
and really that's all i'm looking for:
heightened sensations.

i've been reading more and more poetry,
saving pictures of other people's sketches,
drinking heaps of spice tea
& obtaining far too much music.

lots of daydreaming.
imagining..

new york say you will be mine,
i need to know.
i need a yes...

and i really am dying to get back into photography

entry 65

Mon, 20 Mar 2006 06:06:40 GMT

okay, i am going to resist the temptation to write and write until everything is one large rant and clutter. my head hurts from my constant splurge on red wine. but i need it. and maybe this too is bad. i am in a bit of a dilemma after my weekend dedicated to inspirations. my future is at a crossroad & i think i've missed the turn, so to speak. i think i know why i've grown so unhappy. i'm not creating for the first time, ever. no pictures. no written words. no tagible perspective signed chelsea leigh at the right hand corner. i tried, desperately, to revamp my perspective on the here and now of my situation in boston. and like i've said and known for months the only thing that has kept me awake and alive in any sense for the past months has been to look at that in which inspires me for the future. so the question becomes: what happens if i don't get into FIT? where will i go from there? okay, yes, i'm enrolled to go to the netherlands. but almost all of my being can't allow that. can't allow myself to continue to exist. friendless, motionless, with my brakes on. & so moments too late, i need more options. london! paris! but deadlines have passed and i'm no where to go. i use to want to go to school for photography.. and now i'm finally admitting to the fact that in order to be happy i have to be creatively productive. but if i'm not being forced or assigned to do it than i don't. i should have applied to the school of visual arts and tisch as a back up. I SHOULD HAVE.

i guess i don't have an answer. because like i said deadlines have passed about 20 days ago. i'm just fully aware now that i want to create. i've always just been too insecure that i have the passion, the perspective... just not the talent. in the last days, especially, i have gotten so much inspiration. i have saved dozens upon dozens of images of other artists. i have bought new works from poets and illustration books. i have devoured more novels. found more music. watched iconic classic films. i'm day dreaming and having to booze, as they say, just to get over the fact that i'm too tired, too depressed, too caged at the moment to do anything.

entry 64

Fri, 17 Mar 2006 06:47:21 GMT

i remember when i could say i went months without drinking in college. and now, now i can't not drink before sleeping. red wine eases my "pain" & yet, at some point right when the lower half of my body is growing numb, the wine suddenly makes me think of how sad & pathetic it all really is.. and that thought is hard to escape, too. i can't wait till the days of this journal isn't covered with self pity and loathing. i can't wait till i can make you laugh again and myself, really.

i'm currently watching a woody allen movie. it's new york, good writing, desperation, and the inspiration towards a simplistic life of wittiness and ease. i filled my journal called "life isn't about finding yourself. life is about creating yourself" with good music i discovered tonight to buy. (jens lekman, destroyer, jenny wilson, the national, rogue wave, film school).

i don't know how i'll get work finished, let alone started. i'm so lonely...

come visit. fast. and. soon.

entry 63

Thu, 16 Mar 2006 04:59:26 GMT

for some reason, i've been crying here in boston more than i ever have been since my arrival in september. it's odd because one would expect that i'd be able to hold a smile since i only have a bit over a month left, but it has become that much harder. constantly being alone & then talking to my sister and seeing that coming to new york & staying with her is more & more difficult.

i went to see swan lake tonight. it made me want to be a dancer & i kind of giggled over the thought of how when we are young girls all of our parents want us to be the next dancer in the nutcracker. haha, i was such a pretty ballerina with my hair done up in a bun. it wasn't that i followed the play's plot exactly, but i was watching every moment & i got lost in the music, movement, & grace. i was mesmirized by the passion & it inspired me so much to study abroad & learn another language.

the phone calls make my heart weep. the "i miss yous" and "i can't wait to see yous" have become so hard. but i need someone & if i don't have them, who will i have? i want my mom to come at the end of the month or the first of the month. i'll pay for it. not like it needs to be paid for, but it is almost the desperation i need her to know i have to see her. i need a friend, but the problem is.. i don't need or want just anyone. and that's what makes it so difficult.

entry 62

Wed, 15 Mar 2006 05:11:54 GMT

it is always interesting to hear the music that a certain someone hears and thinks of you to.
the song had a certain sadness, but for some reason it was a sadness.. a desperation.. i was proud of
a message i was okay with & that i most certaintly agreed with - for better or for worse.

I gave up coffee and cigarettes
I hate to say it hasn’t helped me yet
I thought my problems would just dissipate
And all my pain would be in yesterday

I poured my booze all down the kitchen drain
And watched all my bad habits get flushed away
I thought that that would keep my head on straight
And all my pain would be in yesterday

But it’s true
I’m still blue
But I finally know what to do
I must quit, I must quit….. you.

I thought that if I didn’t go and play
The sadness would get bored and go away
I thought that if I didn’t go astray
That all my pain would be in yesterday

But it’s true
I’m still blue
But I finally know what to do
I must quit, I must quit….. you.

I sold my guitar and my piano
I thought that it was these that kept me low
I thought if only I could try and change
That all my pain would be in yesterday

But it’s true
I’m still blue
But I finally know what to do
I must quit, I must quit…. You.

I must quit, I must quit…. You.

entry 61

Mon, 13 Mar 2006 19:16:34 GMT

i cannot believe i could have ever used words so cruel, to you. a perfect time immediately dissolved and let loose into the night.. if i could take back every syllable, every vowel, i would. i love you too much, i love us..

i will write soon

entry 61

Tue, 07 Mar 2006 16:40:13 GMT

selling everyone out. i wish it wasn't taken personally.. since it has literally been to everyone. but i know that excuse just doesn't slide. and the only excuse i can give is.. i just can't do it all.

he hates me. i swore i'd be with him last night, after continuously cancelling. he called over seven times last night. yup, sell out. i am. he wasn't the happiest person on the phone this morning. basically said i was a prick, very silent, probably in denial that this is all happening the way it is, trying not to take anything personally out of pride and hope not to get hurt after allowing himself to be so exposed. i felt terribly bad, but i just don't know what i can do and can't do anymore.

like i've said it is too poetic, all the time, and sometimes poetry is too undefinable.
anyway, i'm driving to the beach to be with him while he edits.
hopefully i can patch up a few holes & stop bullshitting around.
tonight is the premire of america's next top model..
(i'm waiting for the call, but i'm sure it won't be coming)

entry 60

Mon, 06 Mar 2006 22:09:10 GMT

sunday was really beautiful and inspiring. it began at an outdoor market. a flea market really down one long stretch of a street. i get sucked in, become entirely engaged, and mesmerized. it is something about these individuals that collect something. and basically toying through each find, you are potentially buying someone's past character - that you are hoping to make into your own. i could literally just jump down the street and twirl around in dresses all day long. i feel like i'm in europe; everything brand new, yet entirely old. i got some gorgeous finds. some of my favourites being old, old photographs. i really do find digital photography rather unappealing. place it next to something taken in the 40s and i hands down am taken aback by old photography. i have a box of about 50 cameras from the 20s. they were given to me by my grandfather. it's silly of me. they just sit in that box.. looking at them is entralling, but i need to use them.

from there we began our drive up to west palm beach. saw my family. i never know really what to expect - i guess for some sad and maybe unrealistic reason, i feel like i'm always been judged, open to interpretation, and understood. sometimes i don't quite understand why people find me to be some mystery. like a challenge to relate to. oh, i don't know. it just perplexes me at times. i mean sure, a certain degree of intimidation is empowering? i suppose a part of me has become increasingly distant. i'll never be that sweet girl.. and sometimes i wish i could be. i went on a nice ride on the lake. one of those things where they say they swinging back around to pick you up & you roll your eyes & pick yourself up off the couch. it's idiotic of me. a ride during sunset will always outshine a fixation on a television screen. i went to my grandparent's house after. they are moving & trying to get rid of 60 years worth of valuables. i walked out as if i was fleeing a crime scene. as if i had millions of dollars in a paper bag and making a run for it. hah, i literally got dozens and dozens of the most amazing jewlrey from her. also, a buddah and this elephant. uhhhhh, i can't take it. i keep picture decorating my apartment in the city. i've become so influenced and mesmirezed by french inspiration, romantic simplicity, and fashion icons of the past.

there's a lot that is going on in my head. and let's get real, there is always something going on in my head. somedays i don't know if i'll be able to last. i feel like this balance, always leaning towards one side more than the other. it's exhausting. today i was flipping through a journal i found. i was looking for books and came across a journal, we'll keep it at that. i suppose the worst thing you can do is to read anything. at least in dept.. a quick skim can't be too terrible, right? anyway, i quickly came across my name. it was all one large fragment:
i read chelsea's story --> it was perfect.
she's always looking for a flaw expectation.

it was an odd feeling reading that. i found a certain sadness and desperateness in journal keeping. this raw exposure. and maybe others begin to look at me with this certain sadness.. like they know, but i don't know if they know. and the writing sumed it up. i boil down to this perfection that sees and notices only the flaws of expectations. i've always felt this way about myself and what i produce. i just wish i could control it. the truth is as much as it is a desperate attempt at achieval.. i find absolute beauty in the imperfections. i find reality there and if i didn't have it, if i didn't choose to examine it, i would be nothing. nothing that i choose to admire, that is.

these past few days my phone has been going off and once again, i've guilt-ily pushed it aside. even turned it off. it's like i live in this dream. i want to have it, but i don't want it. sometimes i just want to be in my own element. i don't want to have to entertain or love anymore than i have to. at the end of the day, i just can't go through with it all. part of me.. most of me is drained of loving and emotional commitment. i don't want it. i don't want an agenda, i don't want a plan, i don't want to have to have the obligation. but you can't have your cake and eat it to. as much as people still assume that i'm this little whore, sleeping with multiple guys - well ever since june it has been so inaccurate. in truth, the long term relationships has ended up disinteresting me entirely. i go so long without intimacy, something i thought i'd never be able to do..EVER, that now i've forgotten the fun in it. i forget what it is to lure someone in. i mean, i almost don't even care about it. and that scares me. i don't know.. so few people spark interest in me anymore. i admire few. and the only time i feel remarkably interested is when i'm bantering with a man already in his thirties or past. maybe in truth, i'm missing a bit of what my ex brought to the table & all that christian represents is a dream to me - but it is almost too dreamlike to keep persisting with. i just want a balance of innovation, intellect, admirability, and passion.

...lordy, i'm nuts.

entry 59

Sat, 04 Mar 2006 16:49:57 GMT

i can't believe my hair.
i've never even been known to give a damn.
i've buzzed it, i've put aqua in it.
i've looked hideous & somehow been able to see myself otherwise.
this reminds me of when i was harsh, rock & roll, & confused.
and i never wanted to go back to that time
nor look that way.
and here i am with practically a shaved head.

entry 58

Wed, 01 Mar 2006 02:47:19 GMT

i sit on the couch hour after hour.
like a sick habit. a day gone bad. a taste undisolved.
i wonder if it makes me lonely?
perhaps, an attempt to be seen.
an attempt to be figuratively existent.
but you say, they don't know you.
know me? or know me?
and maybe it is all relatively the same,
at least to the uninspired. the homogenized.

i sort of have this request for new love.
the excitement & allure of new conversation, the unknown, the entrance into a new world.
things have just been too habitual, too ritual, too uniform than i would ever like to experience.
i regret feeling this way in regards to relationships - especially when the uniformity isn't in regards to that aspect.
maybe face-to-face contact is at an absolute must right now.
i'm anxious, eager, and in love with the notion of us.
but not with the love i am, and have, interpreted to be cowardly fear.
the wall could be taken as an honor.
and yes, i feel like a princess to be the chosen one.
but i'm seeing it more as a weakness on your behalf.
and you and weakness should never match up, even by trial and error. even by mistake.

i knew this would happen.
nothing would secretly & suddenly transpire into everything.
solidifying the idea that nothing can even be too much
and that the fight will never be won.
i'm vague. insanely conspicuous. abstracting by a way of being a nuisance.
but i do it out of my own dishonesty with myself.
dishonesty, guilt, and hipocricity.
hoping that in days, months, years when i stumble back upon this
i won't remember what it was i had meant.
i won't remember the magic behind the words
the distrust in my eyes, the failure in my voice, and the uncertainity in my mind.
i'll be better then.. or so i imagine.

i will tell you this for every moment i imagine a better me,
i do also imagine the attainable and the not so contrived.
i picture days spent in a barely lit room or under a fresh afternoon sky
reading books, learning perspectives, and being moved by styles.
music running through the open air. delicate music that is.
enough voice to keep you awake or to mend you asleep.
you are peaceful, content, no not content..
just utterly and honestly happy with the simplicity of sound & words & you.
tea that you blindly picked from a big bin of unique blends you have tucked away in your small kitchen lays on your small but fitting desk. tea or coffee depending upon the time? the mood? maybe even the weather.
you begin typing frantically or scribbingly with a void of conscience, more innantely than constructed.
short little stories of your own. a world you can disappear into. a character that relates to a certain aspect of you and the other aspects are the hidden yous. the yous you imagine being for a night & then cashing in come sunrise.
i think of busy work rooms. the bustling of ideas. and the heat of the air when the deadline is an hour too close.
i think of contributions. learning. studying. growing. growing. growing. so i'm more dimensional, more cultured, more wordy, more knowledgable.
i don't want to impress others. i don't think. i just want to impress myself. but that's the hardest to do, is it not?
i dream of friends. afternoon park dates. wine before an extravagantly prepared dinner, we have done ourselves.
i dream of dating.. if and only for the ability to dive into a different world that i hadn't known before.
dating is more of an intrigue for me. i do it for the experience & never try & convince myself that it will and/or should last me a lifetime.
aside from dating, i picture a relationship that is independently destined.
one where no two people need each other to live, but have ultimately lived to come together by serendipity.
i don't know if i'm too shy to be a romantic. i never thought i could even be one because i don't eat chocolate covered strawberries and would only let my boyfriend feed me a salad.
as much as i am an idealist, i am also a realist.
i guess.. i just want to see myself successful. but success in a different way. success in the way that i can contribute in the ways i picture and in ways others hadn't. i want to know that i'm not a phony, not just a girl with a wagon of dreams, but nowhere to go.

i don't know how this post became this. not a clue!

september 2 to april 13th, but whos counting?
song after song after song after song amounting into mountains
he told me you beat her up
behold the "super keith" on the cup
what's up, enoughs enough, where's my morning coffee?
i regret every single thing i ever said, i said those things too softly
hmmmm

there was you, there was me in the room with the alcoholic guest
you asked if we should sleep on these cardboard sheets i said "yes, okay, let's"
the sculptor we hardly knew
his limbs were lying askew
sea green, see blue
hmmm

you tossed your phone fifity feet in the air, i cant believe you caught it
you said whatever you wanted to as long as you thought it should be true
you dream, you make movies, you dance,
moved to montreal . . . to be closer to france
how's that working out, hows the music, hows the food
i know you wont stay there forever, i know youre gonna move . . . again
hmmmm

this is crazy, but i know i left you to be with your art
you always put me first, and somehow that broke my heart
it's not my place to choose
my first love, and my only muse
sea green, see blue
hmmmm

entry 57

Sun, 26 Feb 2006 18:22:56 GMT

as much as i may hate myself here. as much as i may hate even what i'm doing and then again, not doing here. i haven't cried. last night i did though. over the phone, it wasn't my intention - at all. it was just this overwhelming sensation that even taking a shower no longer relaxes me. i won't be able to explain what it is that i hate & why you should sympathize instead of rolling your eyes, look down at me, & say "grow the fuck up, spoiled bitch." so i won't try. it is just one of those situations where you know that anyone that is to meet you would and should hate you for what you portray at the given moment. you can't remember the last time you truly laughed or was eager to know more from any given person. and because you can't control anything, you figure well at least you can control yourself. so you start with the outside, in. nothing makes you feel alive & your voice only makes the other person on the end of the line feel dead.. so the phone calls cease. you have no energy for any day, because nothing is different from one day to the next. and so the only thing that sparks any interest & keeps you a bit awake is the gym & candid entertainment pictures. soon enough you realize that what you admire is superficial ideals. but hey, like i said, if you can't control anything else.. it is easy to trick yourself into believing you can control whether you can finally be an ideal, for yourself. i cried because that is what i've been doing. getting excited and daydreaming about objects because i've forgotten what it is that makes me ME, aside from how i'm physically observed. and in truth, it isn't for anyone else. i don't strive to be an ideal so a boy passing me on the street says, "oh damn!" no. i can't even remember what it was like to get dressed up for someone else. to gain their interest. it has always been for myself. i figure then.. then, i'll be complete.

and i'm wrong. i know.
when i lack inspiration i feel dead.
magazine images inspire me to try a bit harder
and like i said it is the only thing here i can find to inspire me
& thus the only way i feel the least bit alive.

entry 56

Sat, 25 Feb 2006 00:27:49 GMT

this message in my inbox:

I m not spending too much time in virtual reallaty but I saw your pics from greece. Nice hair .... better than now ... sorry :)
anyway you are an angry woman :))
No offence !
Keep it peacefull!
Love from around the world!
Hypno
PS: Are you a designer or you will be?

People are so invasive, interested, & pestering. It is always amusing to see how people get their "truths." For instance, am I "angry" because I didn't smile in a certain picture because I hated my nose? Or maybe because I like a certain author? Or maybe because I wore a black t-shirt, instead of a bright yellow? Most people have no idea. No idea.

Anyway, I wish I could see my prints. It is disappointing that I haven't.
Today they asked me on the phone, "So what do you think of it all?
My response: If you have something to be proud of, be absolutely who you are & be proud of it. If you are something to be remembered, you will be. You won't leave their mind.

And then, also. I think my sister is right. It isn't good to be so quick to explode. "Bitch" someone out because you think it gives you the upper hand. Being mature, collected, and a bit tough is far more respectable the day you do it & months from the date.
I've never wanted to throw anyone out of my life. I've never wanted to erase them from existence. Sure, I've wished to disregard them mentally so I could have time to understand and grow from the experience. But I always knew that by erasing them that would mean that there was no "experience" and then there would ultimately be nothing to grow from. If you can follow that. And my belief in that has only strengthened. Unless someone harms you purposefully or disrespects who you are and doesn't appreciate it, then I would like to keep them in my life. A friend. A close friend if possible. Someone to escape with.. in coversation, in intellect, at ease, over dinner, on the phone.

I mean it's probably why I don't have many close friends. Because I don't allow for it. I don't return to people and I don't let them return to me. Too afraid that they may think I am being submissive. Asking for them back when I have risen far above. But that's my own insecurity. And sometimes you have to risk that potential idea - an idea that will only come and go in their mind - to be able to have a relationship, past the prior relationship. I want those that struck me at a certain time in my life for being admirable and important... to remain in my life... even if they are playing a different role.

entry 55

Thu, 23 Feb 2006 06:10:50 GMT

today i found out that my school has a sauna. i immediately put that on the check list for the day. it was nice to feel all the tension subside. i have a lot of tension for multiple reasons. one main reason that i am completely responsible for. but whatever. another just because i'm worried that my bad luck will continue with me & i won't get into FIT. i've called now 5 times (okay i've called like 23 - only talked personally with admission 5). i think they are now marking me down & won't accept me because i'm so panicky over the phone. so the sauna helped & i hade me some red wine as i watched project runway & project jay. i loved project jay. i can't help but talk during it all. it is so terribly annoying. but i'm just so passionate about it all. passionate, envious.. well not really envious, i just vicariously live through it all & want to cry because i wish i had followed all my dreams. of course, it isn't too late but i feel as though it is. i feel like there is something missing... missing in me. all the wine has made my head hurt, but it allows me to relax & subsides any cravings for meal after meal after meal. seven days & i'm home. i can't wait for every bit of it. though none of my best friends will be home yet. i can't wait....

well, holy shit. what i WAS writing was "i can't wait.... for christian" & then right where those dots lead my phone rang & low & behold it is scott, my ex. part of me wants to throw up & the other half.. i mean i don't even know. i don't know. i don't know. i haven't even looked back on the relationship in a positive sense. i love who i am now because of it. i don't like who i was when he met me. i like who was shaped in the process. but i hate how much i let myself be silenced. i guess you can put it? but then it's coversations like i just had when you have someone firing off all the positive in you. in the two of you. in what was. in what you've left them with. & you haven't looked at it positively, but he has. & i just don't want to revisit it. the certain feelings. almost when time stops & your heart just beats. when a song plays & you remember driving in the rain to his house. a specific meal. your first words, your last, & all that was in between. it's romance, for the better or for the worse. & i don't want to think of what was, what could have been if i could have just NOT BEEN ME.. or be me but me more reliable. gosh i don't know. what the hell just happened? & what's funny or cruel.. is that he doesn't even know or fathoms that immediately after i was with christian & am.

anyway, as i was saying. i can't wait....for christian. just to be next to him. to stand next to him. to smile at him. kiss him as i bubble over with excitement. i admire him. the only person i have ever romantically admired for being such a brilliant intellect and passionate mind. for being such a rarity. i can't even go on, because now this is all too weird. how do i even speak of love when i just got off of the phone with an ex where i believed or said we had love. it's ironic.. the day i come home is the day he leaves.

there is no one to talk to you, but a stupid screen.

entry 54

Wed, 22 Feb 2006 05:19:08 GMT

running water as toilets go flush.
starved bodies accompanied by a-list weakened morales.
they all have their own reciepe for a diet prescribed by society.

i could go on, but no one is suppose to be aware.

entry 53

Mon, 20 Feb 2006 00:06:18 GMT

maybe i can have a job appearing on flyers?

i need start going there more.
at least, to some extent, try & make things good.
i feel like anyone who is to meet me here would hate me.
i'm a deadbeat & pessimist.
i just feel unaccomplished, out of touch, & uninspired.
the city is a stranger to me & i'm a stranger to everyone in the city.
but that's my own problem & fault.
on the flip side,
i got a 99% on my statistics exam.
and march 2nd i will be home.
if i move to nyc i'm buying a little pups for myself.
(see how much rests on one decision?)

entry 52

Fri, 17 Feb 2006 20:23:14 GMT

a time when i tell myself i don't want anyone right now. no one but myself. i'll walk alone, read alone, and drink alone. i'll learn more independently, is the attitude. and it is probably only because i'm feeling just the opposite. i'd love a best friend to giggle with, dance with, and pose with. but the ones i have are miles away. i'd love to jump in my convertible and sing to the sun. eat at cafes, my dog on a leash, and stephen making me laugh and dream from across the tabe. have my boyfriend watch me blow dry my hair. be experiencing him.. with him. and not being forced to do so over the phone.

sometimes i feel swallowed.
deprivation assumable in my eyes.

it's a weird time for me. because i don't know what will happen. no matter how many phone calls i make to FIT, i can't get an answer about whether they have all my requirements. i don't know what city i will be living in in the next months, whether i'll be at one school or another or on television, i've tossed every letter aside from emerson that has to do with next year, i haven't applied anywhere else because i just want to be at FIT, i just don't know what will happen. and i'm scared. scared that i will be let down, again. and patience will be forced upon me for another year.

i should feel no weight on my shoulders, but i do. i do.